#4: That’s it. I’m running back home.
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you where sealed for the day of redemption. Ephesians 4:30 NIV
She’s in the middle of nowhere.
There's an unyielding layer of gloom that blinds her to what she’s tripping over. She runs her hands over her face in search of familiar landmarks. Her mouth, her nose…
Is she even breathing??
12 HOURS EARLIER
The sun has risen. She slides her windows half way open. But sunlight doesn't spill into the room. It doesn't stretch over the walls. Instead, cold air rushes in and curls around her legs like an invisible current.
“I’m strong” she convinces herself. “The day will be over in no time.”
Pressing down the lid over her jar of emotions, she gets in the shower. Cold water trickles down her skin and merges with the silent tears she can no longer distinguish.
She has no mental energy left for intricate decisions, so she settles for a dress that looks like what she's going through. “yeah whatever”, the dress is unpressed, “people should learn to mind their business.”
They don’t.
But she doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
On her way, she quietly praises herself for how well she's kept the jar lid secure. But now, at the hospital, she let’s it flow for a bit.
“Just a healthy amount of tears.”, she thought, wiping off the barely-there fluid with the back of her palm.
She can feel her soul being pulled in different directions. All week, she’d mulled over this choice—a choice she knew was undeniably wrong. And yet, now, she was about to give in.
But there's a tug. There's always a tug.
And after what felt like eternity, she numbs it.
“Did I just shut out the Spirit of God???”
The day was done, and thankfully she had just one patient that needed only analgesics—or so she decided.
“I’M FREE”
She screams so loudly only she can hear.
As she steps out to the bustling road, the cold breeze brushes her pale cheeks. She slips into the deep blue minibus, inching closer to the bad decision she had now inevitably fallen into.
“Do I really want to do this??”
She knows it’s just a distraction. The last time she chose a distraction over common sense was months ago—when she thought she had lost control over the outcomes of her life.
“Why am I back here?”
It was a weight. One she decided was too heavy for one person. One God didn’t seem to be answering her prayer about. She couldn't change it, but she could distract herself.
So she did.
*
*
*
The scales have fallen. Fear. Guilt.
“What did I just do???”
She’s had her fill—but for what? Was it worth it? Maybe, just maybe, she could have waited a little longer for God to speak.
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. James 1:2-3 NKJV
How did she not remember this verse?
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you where sealed for the day of redemption. Ephesians 4:30 NIV
“Oh crap! He has definitely unsealed himself now” 🤦🏽♀️
The Spirit of God turned His back, and there she was, alone in the shadows.
A dead girl walking.
She's in the middle of nowhere, drenched in guilt, desperately in need of mercy, but too ashamed to ask.
How many times will she keep hurting God? The thought spreads like a dull ache. For a moment, she wonders how unsaved people survive without His presence?
“What toxin are they breathing???”
She notices the emptiness. The stark, bare feeling of being utterly exposed. Vulnerable. Uncovered. Where did all the colors go?
How did it become so monochrome so quicky? She once heard there was beauty in the mundane, but right now, all she sees is nothingness.
She gasps. No breath. No air. She can't see a thing. Where's the sun? Will it split into color, into rainbow?
Something? Anything?
“Please, just don’t leave me on my own.”
She knows it all started when she slacked.
A little less time in the secret place, moments of procrastination here and there. Distance, some more distance, and before she knew it, she had given room to the seemingly insignificant compromise that brought her here.
The presence of the Holy Spirit is precious. Once that presence leaves, life starts to feel….empty.
But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. 1 John 1:9 NLT
“That’s it I’m running back.”